I am constantly amazed by the stupidity some people use in their dating profiles. Recently, I've been noticing some rather ridiculous headlines (those annoying phrases you're supposed to use to inspire people to click on your profile). I'd like to share a few of the more vomit-inducing and entertaining ones with you now....
First, the desperate:
"Calm, kind, and creative seeking someone" - Just someone; anyone will do.
"Do nice guys finish last?" - If they're ugly, yes.
"am i ugly?" - If you're asking this, you already know the answer (it's yes).
"I will pay you to date me ,lol $$$$$" - Umm, prostitution is illegal....
"looking to be happy" - Because it's completely healthy to depend on someone else for your happiness.
"Looking for a new one" - A new one what? (Lovely that he views women as objects.)
"All I'd like is a chance." - This brings to mind an Erasure song...
Next, the cheesy:
"Looking for someone who feels like home" - And this one is a song from the "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" soundtrack...
"Live love laugh" - Quite possibly the most overused headline... by women!! I find it hilarious that a guy is using it (in the incorrect order, nonetheless).
"just wanna share some fun memories!!!!" - And some romps between the sheets (c'mon, let's be honest now).
"Is that a mirror in your pocket??" - Ugh. People really do use these lines.
"About to switch teams...:-)!!!" - TMI, dude.
"I'm what you say you want in your profile" - I know, I know. All women say they want nice guys, but pick players and jerks. I so feel your pain (not).
"Why does this have to be so difficult???" - Wah. Cry, cry for me crybaby! Cry!
"is there a genuine woman left out there" - Nope, we're all materialistic, psychos who like to play games. Sorry, buddy - you're SOL.
"Take Me for who Iam or Don't take me at all." - NEXT!
"Pouty duck face need not apply..." - They so need to create an emoticon for this one.
"Contemplating monkhood" - I suppose that's better than switching teams? Nah, at least the other guy is getting some.
"Does normal exist?" - I don't know. Do knights in shining armor riding white horses exist?
"no crazy girls" - I'd just love to hear his stories.
Some that make you scratch your head:
"Queen if your out there let me know." - Wait, does he mean the band??
"U take a chance evry time U stick ur face in a fan" - You also take a chance every time you log into your dating account and take a look at your matches. Just saying...
"What if it was just one guy with six guns?" - Huh?
"My socks never Match" - A failed attempt at cute dating site wordplay? Or is he colorblind and lazy?
"grown up with job, car, and job" - I think he has a job. Or maybe he has two jobs (jackpot)! Oh, and he's a grownup too in case you thought he might be a child or adolescent.
"Purple monkey dishwasher" - Am I not down with the times and missing something sexual here??
The ones that make me question the truth in their headlines:
"Not a douchebag" - I'd bet this guy is probably a total douchebag....
"I really am a nice guy" - Yeah, you go ahead and keep telling yourself that.
Those that need to go back to school:
"Hopeing to find that special someone..." - Hoping you'll take advantage of spellcheck one day soon.
"Values and Morales" - Morale is important, especially when faced with adversity, but I'm really looking for someone with morals (duh).
"Looking for Mrs. Right" - Umm, you know Mrs. means married, right?
Guys that need to get over themselves:
"Athlete looking for a girl who truly is athletic" - Sounds like someone's been out with too many fat chicks posing as "athletic and toned". This guy is probably fat and bald... and just as delusional.
"I say some funny stuff!!!!" - You probably look funny too.
"I don't want to talk about my flair." - I thought Facebook got rid of those cute little button thingies.
"My pics do me no justice they just look like me." - Dude, you know you think you're totally awesome. Quit trying to play modest.
And finally, some that I actually enjoyed:
"Guys like us gotta kick it old school" - A Beastie Boys soundtrack is playing in my mind....
"I'm looking for someone with cable tv..." - Will the basic package work for you?
"This was my parole officer's idea... - Oooh, danger and mystery. Sign me up!
"I can open jars and lift heavy objects." - I love men that make themselves useful.