Thursday, April 10, 2014

Pay Attention, Guys

I found this article ( a few weeks ago and thought it had such great advice that it should be read by every single man out there over the age of 13. Seriously guys, pay very close attention to this - as a woman I can promise and guarantee you that this advice is crucial to keeping the woman in your life happy and in love with you.

Ladies, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this as well - let me know if you agree or disagree.

Gerald Rogers got divorced after 16 years of marriage. Recently he wrote a eye-opening public confession on his blog... He writes:


Obviously, I'm not a relationship expert. But there's something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different... After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here's the advice I wish I would have had...

1) Never stop courting.
Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again.
You will constantly change. You're not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don't take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can't help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to have this woman as your wife.

Your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it's what you wanted or not.

6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions:
It's not your wife's job to make you happy, and she CAN'T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7) NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them... when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

8) Allow your woman to JUST BE.
When she's sad or upset, it's not your job to fix it, it's your job to HOLD HER and let her know it's ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she's important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you... DON'T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE'S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren't going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9) BE SILLY...
Don't take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

Learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

To carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

And don't be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You're not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing... (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

You don't have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING... Especially those things you don't want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don't know if she will like what she finds... Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK... If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don't let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end MARRIAGE isn't about happily ever after. It's about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.

Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late.

But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it with those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.

The woman that told him 'I do', and trusted her life with him, has been waiting for this man to step up.

If you are reading this and your marriage isn't what you want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in marriage, regardless of where your spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is time.

MEN - THIS IS YOUR CHARGE: Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you.

Be the type of husband your wife can't help but brag about.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

The Book of Love is Fiction

Because of my recent dating experiences, I have come to the conclusion that there is no one out there for me. I am truly beginning to believe that I'm destined to be alone. Don't feel sorry for me though - this realization is going to free me. I'm going to be able to let go and move on with my life without the hope of finding a "forever" partner. No more wasted energy, disappointment, or feelings of inadequacy. If I get lonely, I'll get a cat, drink some wine, and watch bad Lifetime movies that will make me count my blessings for not being with a guy that is undoubtedly up to no good.
I'm sure some of you think I'm being a drama queen with this bold statement. But let's consider all the guys I've dated in the last year. The only one I've actually liked is Crayola and either his interest level doesn't match mine or he's not in the right place to provide what I want. (As an aside, does this mean I'm subconsciously choosing someone I can't have in either an effort to self-sabotage or fix some underlying, unresolved issue from my past?).
Who really knows. But I'm exhausted and I think it's time to be realistic. There's nothing I could do with a man that I can't do on my own. Yes, it would be nice to have that guy to share my life with who can join me on all my crazy adventures, but I don't need him - shit, I just went to Disney by myself! Yes, I think it's time to give up on the dream of finding someone and embrace my independence and self-sufficiency. This also means no more mediocre dates to suffer through, no more dread of dateless nights/events (I'll be expecting it), and no more wondering what my romantic future may hold - in fact, I think this will be empowering.

Monday, April 7, 2014

I Want Someone Who Lives up to This Grandeur in my Head

So, I went out with Crayola over the weekend. I had a really nice time and do like the guy a lot. But I realized I don't like the way I feel when I'm not with him. This is a little hard to explain, but basically he doesn't make me feel secure in him/the "relationship" when we're apart. And I don't think it's a matter of me not being confident enough in my worth. I just feel like he's not in the right place for what I want and I'm afraid he's going to hurt me as he figures this out himself.

To be honest, I'm a bit disappointed (though I'm not surprised as this was kind of what I expected). I mean, I have fun with him, he makes me feel safe when we're together, and there's definitely some chemistry. And it's not that we're not on the same page with what we want or that something is missing either - it just feels "off" somehow. Because of it, I've found myself slipping back into my old habits of wanting to chase him to get an answer or a definitive decision on where things stand. And I don't like it at all.

I did get an explanation as to what happened the last go-round though, which was nice. It turns out an ex came back into his life and was messing with his head. In the moment, he did think the little bit of distance between us was less than ideal (so it wasn't a total lie), but as he worked out the issue with his ex, he realized he was being ridiculous. The thing is, only a few months have passed since then - has he really worked out everything he needed to that he's now in the right place to actually pursue a relationship (or was he just feeding me a line to earn a second chance)? Sadly, I just don't see myself wanting to stick around to find out the answer to that. I think for my own personal well being, it might be smart to cut my losses now before I find myself getting invested in something that will not be good for me.

I do want to have hope in this guy, but at the same time realize that I can't continue this based upon potential - I need some concrete evidence that things are different and that he's invested (or at least willing to make a real effort). I can't take the risk to put myself out there either; he has hurt me once before. I'm torn. I like this guy a lot, but I think I love myself even more.

Friday, April 4, 2014

Ignorance is Your New Best Friend

I did something stupid. Really stupid. And now I'm super pissed.

The other day, I found out that Columbus was in town (don't ask me how, it's not important). And yup, like a total fool I jumped down that rabbit hole. More than anything else in the world, I don't like feeling like I've been wronged. Mess with me and I'll make you pay (what's that saying about a woman scorned...?). One might argue that I'm a fan of revenge, and I don't mean the TV show. I very much play by the rules in life and I expect everyone else to as well. I find it incredibly unfair when people misbehave and I expect justice to be served (okay, admittedly I might have a few issues here).

So anyway, I got the brilliant idea to contact the asshole and ask him to return the money he owes me. Can I just tell you what a manipulative, lying scumbag this guy is (as if we didn't already know that)? He actually had the audacity to ask if I'm seeing anyone (I told him it was none of his business) - as it turns out, Columbus is moving back to the area (oh joy) and I imagine he's trying to tap this again. I was very direct, only stating that I want my money back. He of course attempted to engage in conversation, but I honestly want nothing to do with him and didn't bite... which prompted him to state that there's no reason for me to be a bitch (what, he expects me to play nice?). Umm, excuse me - sure there is. He borrowed money from me a year ago and I want it back. Actually, he begged me for money and on more than one occasion. Heaven forbid I'm angry about an unpaid debt from an asshole who treated me like total shit. Yet, he thinks everything is in the past and I should treat him with respect. HA!!

He now claims that I forced him to accept my money (stating it was a gift and not a loan) and that the only reason I'm harassing him is because I'm bitter about our break-up. Allow me to be perfectly clear - I have extreme hatred for the guy and couldn't care less if he dropped dead (I may even wish it on him, but really I'd much rather see him suffer through a long miserable life). Let's review the facts, if you will - he completed used me, was seeing other women the entire time we were together, yet led me to believe that we had a future together even encouraging me to put an offer in on a house in Columbus. And THEN I went to see him one weekend (he knew I was coming) and I caught him with another woman, who he then told (in front of me) that I meant nothing to him and that we had broken up weeks ago (news to me, by the way), painting me out to be a psycho ex to save his sorry ass with the (one of many, I'm sure) girl he was currently screwing. Oh, and let's not forget that when I found out I was pregnant with his demon spawn shortly thereafter, he accused me of making it up to try to get him back (he must have forgotten that he in fact was the one that was begging me to forgive him, since I cut all contact after catching him cheating). Say it with me, please - lowlife, pathetic, loser!! Yeah, I'm angry; I have every right to be, and he, of all people,  doesn't deserve to be treated well (he's completely delusional if he thinks I should show him any respect).

Here's the thing about Columbus and the many other guys out there that are just like him - everything is always about them. They refuse to be accountable for their own behavior or actions; they lie and manipulate in an effort to excuse their shitty treatment of people. They blame others for their shortcomings and mistakes in life; and they're usually pretty damn charming while doing so, leading you to believe that you are actually the one at fault! I so wish that I had never, ever met this guy. And I'm a little mad for being too stubborn to try to forgive myself for allowing him in my life; I just want the wrongs to be righted and truthfully, I'd really like to see him get what he deserves (and stop him from hurting anyone else).

Final words: Dude, just give me my effin' money back and go about with your sorry, pathetic existence; you're so not worth it.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Boys Are Dumb

A few weeks ago, I had a first date with a guy. He was nice enough, and more attractive in person than I thought he'd be, but he was a little too goofy for me (especially for a first date). I figured I'd give him the benefit of the doubt though (maybe he was nervous) and agreed to go out with him again. My work travel schedule has been nuts lately (that's also my excuse for not posting for a while) and I don't have any dating availability until after Easter, but the dude and I have kept in touch via phone and text. Over the weekend, I received this text from him:

"Hey there... headed to bed but just checked my schedule and wanted to say that if Wednesday was still an option that I'd love to meet you wherever is convenient. Hope you had fun watching the games... and go Irish!"

Clearly this text was not intended for me as Wednesday was never an option to get together. So what did I do? I called him out on his faux pas, of course!

"Wrong girl..."

I must say, it was quite entertaining to watch the guy try to backpedal. This followed:

"Sorry... that was intended for my sister... we have a running bet on the games. Lol... just realized it. She's been sick so I haven't seen her this weekend."

A few observations, if you will. I have a brother. Never in a million years would he and I ever communicate like this. Never. Nor does my brother ever provide a bedtime check-in. Or say that he'd LOVE to meet me wherever is convenient. This is just way too formal of a text for a sibling.

Now, let me make something perfectly clear - I don't have any problem with the fact that this guy is obviously dating other women (in fact, I'd be highly concerned if he wasn't). Just be smart enough to keep us all straight. It really doesn't take that much effort or brain power to do so. And in case you were wondering, no - the illusion that he is in high demand does not make him any more attractive (it's not a case of wanting what I can't have); it just makes him look like a moron.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

The Heart is Hard to Find

This is something I've been thinking about for a while now, so I'm going to put it out there and explain my stance...
Online dating doesn't work if
you're looking for something serious!!
There, I said it. Now let me explain why. 
  1. Online dating provides too many options.

    Think back to the time of our grandparents, and maybe even our parents. They had somewhat limited venues from which to meet people and they typically ended up with someone from their local community. Because of this, there were fewer available singles, which I believe made them less picky. They knew they had a small pool to choose from (significantly smaller than what is available out there today).

    Singles now often have the notion that there could be something better out there. Personally, I've even noticed that sometimes when I meet and am dating a really great guy I'm still looking because there's sort of a fear that you could be missing out or settling. You think, "Gee, I've met this great guy but he doesn't quite fit my entire list of wants... maybe I can meet someone else who's a little closer to exactly what I want."

    We all know that having too many options to choose from paralyzes people with indecisiveness.
  2. That mindset eliminates both the "sense of urgency" and a desire to cultivate an actual relationship.

    Let me tell you from experience that there is an utter lack of follow-up when it comes to meeting people online. I've found that more than 50% of the guys that contact me have absolutely no interest in taking the "relationship" offline; they're content to email back and forth for weeks. And for the guys that I do give my number to, I don't ever hear from a good 8 out of 10 of them! For those that do contact me outside of the dating site, many of them just want to text. I probably only truly connect in person with 1 out of every 35-40 guys (if not more) that contact me online.

    In my opinion, online dating breeds laziness. Because the dating pool appears to be limitless, people aren't completely investing themselves in getting to know someone or forging a true bond - because they know there is very likely someone else who is just as good of a fit, if not better, just a mouse click away.

    So, why rush into establishing a "relationship" with someone (or even bother getting to know them) when they're easily replaceable (and you can probably do better anyway)?
  3. Traditional relationship gender roles are blurred beyond recognition.

    You all know how strongly I feel about the roles Mother Nature intended for each gender and how following these "rules" makes for successful relationships (in the courtship phase, anyway). With online dating, women are doing the pursuing, men are calling the shots, and mass chaos has ensued.

    Since when is it acceptable, and even encouraged, for a woman to take on the job of chasing a guy? And why are women leaving it up to the men to decide if we're good enough for them? Things have gotten really messy and it's not doing anyone any good, yet it has somehow become the norm online. All this does is encourage laziness in men (as mentioned in #2), they don't value the women they meet online because they don't have to work for them, and women fall into a terrible cycle of not respecting themselves. Bottom line, no one is happy or feeling fulfilled.
Because of the three main points I've covered above (trust me, there are plenty more reasons why I think online dating doesn't work, but these are the biggies), I've changed my stance on the probable success rate of developing a substantial relationship with someone I've met online. Call me a cynic, call me jaded, but the reality is it's been nearly 3 years since my last serious relationship ended with online dating having been my primary avenue for meeting people (I'm not including Columbus since he turned out to be a total ass monkey - I sincerely hope you read this, Brian, because you still owe me money...).

I'm beginning to think that a soulful connection needs to be made in the real world, not an online fantasy one where anyone can portray whomever they choose and wistfully dream about the perfect mate. While it does open doors to meeting people you otherwise wouldn't meet, the environment just isn't conducive to a meaningful and everlasting love built on the mutual respect and honesty you're more likely to find in ordinary, everyday circumstances.

Monday, March 17, 2014

And the Saga Continues...

I thought you'd all appreciate a Crayola update, though I'm beginning to wonder if this guy reads my blog and is purposely messing with me to see what I write about him....

So, I logged into my account this morning and saw that he once again was looking at my profile over the weekend. Funny thing is, I could have sworn I blocked and removed his profile a few weeks ago. Anyway, I just couldn't contain myself. Who does that? Who asks a girl out and then completely disappears? I'd had enough of this crap and emailed:

"You just showed up in my "who viewed me" list and it sort of triggered a WTF reaction. I don't understand why you would suggest the possibility of getting together and then completely blow me off. That's pretty messed up."

Surprisingly, he answered right away with:

"You're right. I should have contacted you. I'm sorry. I sincerely do want to see you again. I understand if I've blown it, but if you would be willing to give me another opportunity maybe we can bowl. I've been practicing. I have been traveling a bit for work, and I am currently in Clearwater for spring training baseball with my mom and her widow friends. It's been a long weekend to say the least. Either way Carla, I hope you are well, I hope you will give another try. Have a good Monday."

I'm not really sure what I'm going to do. Thoughts?

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Say What Now?

I am constantly amazed by the stupidity some people use in their dating profiles. Recently, I've been noticing some rather ridiculous headlines (those annoying phrases you're supposed to use to inspire people to click on your profile). I'd like to share a few of the more vomit-inducing and entertaining ones with you now....

First, the desperate:

"Calm, kind, and creative seeking someone" - Just someone; anyone will do.

"Do nice guys finish last?" - If they're ugly, yes.

"am i ugly?" - If you're asking this, you already know the answer (it's yes).

"I will pay you to date me ,lol $$$$$" - Umm, prostitution is illegal....

"looking to be happy" - Because it's completely healthy to depend on someone else for your happiness.

"Looking for a new one" - A new one what? (Lovely that he views women as objects.)

"All I'd like is a chance." - This brings to mind an Erasure song...

Next, the cheesy:

"Looking for someone who feels like home" - And this one is a song from the "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" soundtrack...

"Live love laugh" - Quite possibly the most overused headline... by women!! I find it hilarious that a guy is using it (in the incorrect order, nonetheless).

"just wanna share some fun memories!!!!" - And some romps between the sheets (c'mon, let's be honest now).

"Is that a mirror in your pocket??" - Ugh. People really do use these lines.

The jaded:

"About to switch teams...:-)!!!" - TMI, dude.

"I'm what you say you want in your profile" - I know, I know. All women say they want nice guys, but pick players and jerks. I so feel your pain (not).

"Why does this have to be so difficult???"  - Wah. Cry, cry for me crybaby! Cry!

"is there a genuine woman left out there" - Nope, we're all materialistic, psychos who like to play games. Sorry, buddy - you're SOL.

"Take Me for who Iam or Don't take me at all." - NEXT!

"Pouty duck face need not apply..." - They so need to create an emoticon for this one.

"Contemplating monkhood" - I suppose that's better than switching teams? Nah, at least the other guy is getting some.

"Does normal exist?" - I don't know. Do knights in shining armor riding white horses exist?

"no crazy girls" - I'd just love to hear his stories.

Some that make you scratch your head:

"Queen if your out there let me know." - Wait, does he mean the band??

"U take a chance evry time U stick ur face in a fan" - You also take a chance every time you log into your dating account and take a look at your matches. Just saying...

"What if it was just one guy with six guns?" - Huh?

"My socks never Match" - A failed attempt at cute dating site wordplay? Or is he colorblind and lazy?

"grown up with job, car, and job" - I think he has a job. Or maybe he has two jobs (jackpot)! Oh, and he's a grownup too in case you thought he might be a child or adolescent.

"Purple monkey dishwasher" - Am I not down with the times and missing something sexual here??

The ones that make me question the truth in their headlines:

"Not a douchebag" - I'd bet this guy is probably a total douchebag....

"I really am a nice guy" - Yeah, you go ahead and keep telling yourself that.

Those that need to go back to school:

"Hopeing to find that special someone..." - Hoping you'll take advantage of spellcheck one day soon.

"Values and Morales" - Morale is important, especially when faced with adversity, but I'm really looking for someone with morals (duh).

"Looking for Mrs. Right" - Umm, you know Mrs. means married, right?

Guys that need to get over themselves:

"Athlete looking for a girl who truly is athletic" - Sounds like someone's been out with too many fat chicks posing as "athletic and toned". This guy is probably fat and bald... and just as delusional.

"I say some funny stuff!!!!" - You probably look funny too.

"I don't want to talk about my flair." -  I thought Facebook got rid of those cute little button thingies.

"My pics do me no justice they just look like me." - Dude, you know you think you're totally awesome. Quit trying to play modest.

And finally, some that I actually enjoyed:

"Guys like us gotta kick it old school" - A Beastie Boys soundtrack is playing in my mind....

"I'm looking for someone with cable tv..."  - Will the basic package work for you?

"This was my parole officer's idea... - Oooh, danger and mystery. Sign me up!

"I can open jars and lift heavy objects." - I love men that make themselves useful.